What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 00:31
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I think the readers, may guess!
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was scared of men, in general
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i lived it daily.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
I was seconnd youngest,
All the time i was locked up.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is soul school!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was 9 years of age.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
She was in good health!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)